haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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