lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
