I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
