wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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