Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
