oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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