He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
