good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
