I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
