i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
