I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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