Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
