I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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