Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
