So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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