oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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