I think im going to throw up on grandma
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize