whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
