Where did you get a picture of my penis
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
