i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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