Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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