So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
