I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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