I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
