I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
