I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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