I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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