the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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