I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
