its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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