I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
