I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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