you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
