oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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