I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
