when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I enjoy the company of your penis
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
