I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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