I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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