I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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