When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
