Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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