i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
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