Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
