I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
