My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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