The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
