I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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