some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
