If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
