so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
