Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
