I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
