i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
