Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Randomize
