when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
