then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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