dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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