im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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